Love or hate ‘em, tourists are an omnipresent – some residents might say omnishambles – part of Noosa life.

Have you heard of ‘Yahoo Syndrome’? That’s the common tendency for normally civilised people travelling overseas or even interstate to unleash their inner bogan. Perhaps it’s because they feel anonymous, or invincible, or it could be the freedom of being away from home and the drudgery of day-to-day lives.

Then again, it could just be too much booze! 

Tourists need to remember that they are stamping their carbon footprints all over someone’s else’s home – in this case, mine/ours. That’s why I have (in a caring way), set out the following helpful list of Dos and Don’ts – a guide to local etiquette, if you will – for newcomers to our Noosa nirvana.

1. Do be mindful of other visitors to our beautiful National Park. Try to avoid advancing three-abreast along the narrow pathways like a Roman phalanx. And if you really must use the otherwise tranquil route as a running track, curb your impatience and avoid barrelling into a gentle walker (like me) and tumbling them off the hillside Coastal Walk onto the Granite Beach rocks below. That would be rude and potentially lethal. Please note: Ensuing legal issues could be deleterious to otherwise delightful memories of your stay in Noosa.

2. Don’t go barefoot and/or shirtless (particularly men) into shops and eateries. There may be a place for budgie smugglers and banana hammocks, but Hastings Street ain’t it. There’s something both risible and reprehensible about blokes, particularly the middle-aged, pot-bellied and barrel-chested variety, strutting up and down our famous thoroughfare in daggy Speedos and wife-beater vests. My gorge rises when forced to scrape past a sweating, half-naked bloke in a crowded shop and copping a wet smear of disgusting DNA on my linen shirt. 

3. Don’t erect a beach tent or umbrella right in front of a pre-existing one. Being hopeless at such things, I recently spent an exhausting 20 mins getting our tenty thing set up, careful to pitch it a respectful distance from others, before lying back with a contented sigh. I must have nodded off because, when I next opened my eyes, it was like we’d been mysteriously relocated to Dalian in north-east China – cited as the world’s busiest beach. We were flanked on all sides by newly erected sun shelters that reduced visibility to a few feet. I knew the sea was somewhere nearby – I could smell it but couldn’t see it. A two-metre cordon sanitaire around one’s shelter should be correct etiquette for beachgoers, right?

4. Do spend lots of moolah, pesetas, Euros or dinero in our bistros and boutiques. That will be some consolation and compensation for the difficulties we locals have in booking tables or buying stuff. It will also have the added benefit of making restaurateurs and business-owners more beholding to us when there’s a downturn, recession or Covid-like plague killing off tourism temporarily as it does every ten years or so. 

5. Don’t park your Juci, Britz or Wicked campervans overnight in quiet residential neighbourhoods or prized precincts (eg the one next to the National Park). It can be a tad discomfiting to find low budget, combi-style vehicles on your leafy street – you know, the ones that used to have sexist slogans written on the back before they were banned, eg “Men only have two emotions – horny and hungry”. Sad but true. Invariably, all the doors and windows are open, showcasing an interior that looks like an IED (improvised explosive device) blew up inside an op shop; and depending on a wind direction, a variety of odours emanate from it including patchouli, pot noodle and unwashed pants. 

6. Do extend your visiting experience beyond Hastings Street. I know it’s the local equivalent of Rodeo Drive, 5^th Ave, and the Boulevard Saint-Germain but dare to be different and try out other hidden nooks and crannies – such as Gympie Terrace or Sunshine Beach, or the harbour area. You could even take a walk on the wild side at Eumundi or Cooroy, although caution is advised if venturing as far afield as, say, Nambour; I once saw this legend on a T-shirt – ‘I survived Nam’! Enuff said.

7. Do show proper respect to residents. That means not leaving boat trailers in front of our driveways or performing bodily functions in our bushes or tossing empty cans in our gardens (note: full ones are OK, as long as they are not aimed at the window).

8. Do observe maritime rules & regs while disporting yourselves on our waterways. Please desist from hooning on the river in your tinnies or so-called pleasure craft; resist the temptation to throw your crapola overboard; and, above all, refrain from snaking a wave from local surfers at First Point. 

9. Do not come here for a day trip, congest the streets, take all the parks, bugger up the beach, spend nothing and expect a warm welcome! Just sayin’ for a friend.

10.  Do consider residents in the same street as your STA (short stay accommodation). I know it’s selfish on their part, but people are not generally thrilled by people next door swinging from the chandeliers at 3am to the 10,000-watt sound of Megan Thee Stallion.

One final word of warning to unsuspecting tourists: watch out for local wildlife. This includes marauding bush turkeys and kamikaze kids on e-scooters. Noosa is plagued by both species. 

In short, dear tourists, follow these simple guidelines and not only will you have a wonderful vacation, but you will also be spared abuse from grumpy Noosa locals like me! Who knows, we might even welcome you back.